An Ode to Blindness

Verse one

Well the lights went out in two thousand nine,
And I won’t say the timing was great,
’Cause I’d put in the hours, I’d done the research,
And I never did graduate.
Now the doctors all ask what I miss the most —
Like sunsets, or seeing my food on my plate —
Doc, I’m gonna be honest, and shameful, and direct:
I miss roughly half the human race.

Chorus

Oh, everything I miss is wearing very little,
And the reel never ends and the sun always shines,
Pour me something frozen, let the steel drums rattle —
I can see just fine… in nineteen ninety-nine.

Verse two — the podium

Number one is Sandra and that’s not up for debate.
She kept a bus above 50, but looked even finer in that bikini on the beach.
Number two is Aniston, and Rachel, you’re still great,
You’re the reason I kept cable alive at those ridiculous rates.
Gina Gershon looking dangerous in the dark,
Jennifer Tilly with that voice like a cartoon crime,
Neve, Love Hewitt and Lacey Chabert, Party of Three for me,
and I was watching all the time.

Verse three — the eighties made me

Phoebe Cates climbing out of that pool,
Ruined a generation, and I regret nothing at all.
Cynthia Gibb sneaking in to that room in Youngblood,
greatest ass ever put on film, and I will die on that barstool,
Catherine Bach in cutoffs, Farrah on the wall.
You can keep the whole Striptease routine, keep the pole,
give me Demi in Disclosure, fully dressed and me! I recall.
Paula Abdul dancing with an animated cat —
Ma’am, I’d have been the cat. I’d have been the cat.

Chorus

Oh, everything I miss is wearing very little,
And the reel never ends and the sun always shines,
Pour me something frozen, let the steel drums rattle —
I can see just fine… in nineteen ninety-nine.

Verse four — the runway

Cindy Crawford, oh my, and then oh my again,
Tyra when the runway was a religion,
Elle Macpherson on a beach with a strategic grain of sand,
Christie Brinkley, take me down that Holiday Road with the windows down.
Alessandra Ambrosio — Brazil, and thank you, Brazil,
Elsa Benítez, Kelly Brook, and the rest,
Gisele married Brady, which was fine, I guess,
But Bridget Moynahan? Bridget was the best.

Bridge

Now don’t feel bad for me, I got the good years,
I got the video store and the rack at the 7-Eleven,
I got a filing cabinet nobody can repossess
And a bartender’s memory of nineteen ninety-nine.
So here’s to every one of you, clothed or otherwise,
’Cause the last thing this world ever showed these eyes
Was a whole lot of you, and the picture’s still bright.

Final chorus

Oh, everything I miss is wearing very little,
And the reel never ends and the sun always shines,
Pour me something frozen, let the steel drums rattle,
I can see just fine. I can see just fine.
I can see just fine, in nineteen ninety-nine.

Spoken, over the fade

That’s volume one. Ladies, there’s a volume two.